Rodney. Please explain to me why you are laying in the mud most of the match. It’s horrible stuff and means the poor cleaning ladies have to be kept on at extra cost to the club to get your kit clean for the next match.
Lenny. What the hell are you doing on the left wing? You’re a left footer.
Graham. We can’t have you going hell for leather trying to tackle the opposition CF. Just pass the ball to your left to John and he’ll pass it back to you.
Peter. Will you stop trying to block,stop, tip over the bar, catch crosses etc. My old goalie didn’t do crosses or kick the ball downfield as it mostly went directly into the directors box. As for the new one he couldn’t stop a pig in a passage.
David. Didn’t you go to grammar school? You’re like me. A cut above the rest. Why the hell are you even here playing football?
Paul. You look like you should be in the U18’s.